The Old Man’s Turn

My son drives me crazy
and if his grandparents were alive
they’d have more time for him than me.

And I’d be able to drop him and his sister off
when I’d reached the end of who I can be,
when I can’t start with love
or patience, and everything comes out wrong.

But they’re not here.

And some days it’s just me.
So I close my eyes and I reach out
to the old man I’ll be one day,
somewhere in some forgotten nursing home
alone, crumbling and waiting to die.

I reach out – across time and space and I grab his wrinkled hand
from here, from where I’m about to lose my mind
from where I’m about to be the worst dad I can possibly be
from where I have nowhere left to turn.

Because I’ve spoken to him, to the old man before
and all that old man wants
is five more minutes with his boy,
five more minutes to play
and he’d give anything, his whole life for it

and I say here, take my place, please, please take my place,

and he says, I’ve got him.

I’ve got him.

and I keep my eyes closed for just a second more,

and when I open them, the old man I will become
is with my son,

giving him all the love and patience and kindness
he deserves.

And who I will be, saves me from who I am.

____

I’ll write more when I can here.